nicquee goes senti

I am Mommy

When Ayex started to utter real words, I was kind of envious to Mon because Ayex can clearly say dada. Aside from being able to say it properly, Ayex also knows that that term pertains to her dad. As days goes by, her vocabulary increases. Soon, she was able to say mama. But she does not associate that term to me who is her mother.

Unfortunately, babies can say mama easier than mommy. Not knowing this, we have always thought Ayex that mama pertains to her Lolas (grandmothers). I know what you are thinking. You are right, when Ayex calls out to mama, she is pertaining to her Lolas, whoever is present at that moment.

Although she knows that I am her mother, she does not associate me with other terms except for dede, which means she is hungry and needs to breastfeed. She would cry when she wakes up and I’m no longer beside her. When I am home, she clings to me as if there is no one else at home except the two of us. I know that she knows that I am her mother, but there is a pang of envy when she calls other people appropriately, except for me. There were nights when I would tell her to ask dada to feed her since she can only say dada and dede. The feeling became worse when Ayex learned how to say lolo, lola, and nanay. When she says lola, I know that she pertains to my MIL since I am not her grandmother. I was near depression (I’m just exaggerating) when I heard her say nanay for the first time and my MIL responded to her. She was able to associate nanay to my MIL because that is what Mon and I call her. Ayex probably imitated us. The pang of envy became real and there would be night when I refuse to play with Ayex because I just feel bad.

I know it is not Ayex’s fault. She does not even understand how important it is to be called appropriately. Mon even tried to correct things by explaining to Ayex one time she said nanay and mama one after the other. He tried to correct Ayex’s association in front of MIL and FIL, which almost started an argument. I, on the other hand, decided to go to our room and prepare for bedtime.

Last Sunday, I decided to have some time apart from Ayex and Mon. I met my best friend when I was in fifth grade at the nearby mall. When we got home, my mom narrated what Ayex did when I left. Ayex pulled my mom for a walk outside. She walked here and there while saying MOMMY in a sort of crying way.

Monday, while Mon and I are having dinner, Ayex was playing peek-a-boo with us. She held the curtain near the dining area and hid herself behind. Mon said, “Mommy nasan daw si Ayex?” (Mommy where is Ayex?). After that, Ayex said in a prolonged manner, “MAMMEEEEEE”. When I responded “it—- ba!”, she showed herself to us. Finally… Now, when she asks for milk, she says, “MAMMEEEEEE, dede”.

2009 Targets

That sounds very business like! But no, this is not about work. Well probably a part of this entry will include that. This is about the things I want to do this year. I’m making this a sticky note and will keep track of it for evaluation next year!

In no particular order, these are the things I am hoping to accomplish this year. Like what I learned from Janelle, I will take baby steps.

Remember what my forte is. I’ve been thinking about this since mid last year. People who knows me and what my work is knows that this is not what I really want. However, because of friendship, I’m still in the same company, same team as I was when I started this blog years ago. There would be times that I feel so chicken to go out of my comfort zone and start seeking what I do best. But I know I got to do that to find some sense of fulfillment career-wise. I hope to start with that this year.
Update 1: After the re-alignment talk I had with my manager, I realized that my current job is actually a gateway ti what I want to be – a BPA! I just have to be more proactive in engaging the segment business owners to plan for our portal.

Evaluate my relationships. Where are my friends? That’s the question I have in my mind the past few days. I’ve been checking my phonebook over and over again looking for the number of my very close friends. I got depressed when I can only see a few, all of whom I haven’t seen in a while. I know I used to be snob but I know I have made a lot of friends. But where are they now? My highschool bestfriend jokingly said to me yesterday over a phonecall, Baka kasi super busy ka jan sa business mo. (You are probably too busy with your business.) I told him that I’m not. I used to have plenty of childhood friends but somehow, we sort of drop the relationship after we moved to a new home back in my early highschool days. So many things happened then and I’m not sure if they would even recognize me if they see me somewhere. I didn’t really have someone really close to me from highschool except from Jhen. Back in college, I used to be close to a lot of my classmates. Somehow, there were six of us who share a lot in common. Due to changes in time and priorities, we don’t get to see each other as much as well. So for this year, my hope is to fix broken relationships and to strengthen current relationships. I will start by looking for my childhood friends and catch up with their lives.

Strengthen my faith. I’ve been praying that someday, I’d be a prayerful person too just like my mom. I am hoping that someday, I’d be able to serve the Lord in my own little way just like other people. I’ve been wanting to be active to church activities again just like when I was a kid. For this year, I hope to be involve in some church works like charities, Couples for Christ, and catechism. If there’s a chance for me to become a lector, I’d like that too. If there would be retreats, I would really want to join.
Update 1: Unlike last year, I was able to hit two birds with one stone last Holy Week! I was able to hear the mass although I didn’t understand most of it since it was said in Ilocano. I was able to drag Mon and my PILs to the procession. Hahaha!

Immerse myself into culture. It’s a shame but I have to admit that I don’t know Lupang Hinirang by heart. There were times when I tried singing it to myself only to find out that some lyrics are missing. Shame on me! It also occurs to me that I’m such a poorly traveled person, I haven’t even seen Museong Pambata! So for this year, my goal is to memorize Lupang Hinirang again by heart. Go to at least one domestic hot spot and at least one international hot spot.
Update 1: I thought I wrote at least two domestic hot spots before. Now that it said at least one, then I already hit my quota! Kidding! Thanks to Mon, who drove for hours and thousands of kilometers, to bring us to and from the inspiring province of Ilocos. I’ll share more of this in another blog.

Mon and Ayex. No matter what I do, it seems that my time is always not enough for me to become a wife, a mom, a corporate slave and a businesswomen all at the same time. I’m not really sure how I did last year but I know I got to do better this year. I got to be a better wife to Mon, who has been a very good hubby to me ever since. This year, I got to be more patient to little Ayex who is now an official toddler after turning two. I need to spend more quality time with them even if at times I think they’re the only ones I give my time to apart from work.

Renew myself. I read somewhere that you can’t give what you don’t have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love others as well. Love starts from within. It happened to me. There was a time when I thought, where does all my time in the world had gone?! I was so bad in time management. I had factored in my work, my family, my business but not myself. I was a little sickly last year because I don’t take care of myself. A big no no for anyone. So for this year, apart from the career move I mentioned, I hope to find my old me again. I’ll probably start by dressing up like I used to, engage in the sports I used to play, read the books I already bought, and take care of myself more by seriously taking my vitamins daily.

About

Many years ago, a colleague was laughing by herself on her monitor. After she noticed that I was curious on what she is laughing at she asked me if I have tried blogging before. I told her that I did, with some of my college classmates. I told her that we went to a radio station in Pioneer, Mandaluyong. We talked to the DJ and asked him to plug the gig that we will have at our school. After that she cut me and said, Hindi plugging, blogging… (Not plugging, blogging…)

My ears must be full at that time. Or probably I was not paying as much attention and hearing her laugh all by herself just got me curious.

So I learned something new. She explained to me what a blog is.

I can’t exactly remember when I created this blog. I think I already deleted my first ever post, if not, I know for sure that I deleted some of my old posts. This blog used to be on online rant space, more than an online journal. When there’s something in my head, I put everything here, if not, I use a notepad then transfer them here when I remember.

I used to blog more when I’m mad, depressed or super giddy. Now, I think I blog whenever I think I can.

I’ve always wanted to blog more often. I want to share more of my ideas, talk about Mon, Ayex and my family, brag about my latest discoveries, rant about my disappointments, and rave about life.

This blog contains a spoonful of who I am – no pretensions, just me.